When Being Still is Not Relaxing
This is me, sitting still. This was not always easy for me.
What happens when stillness and nighttime is not a cloak of safety and security, and you can’t let go and slide peacefully into deep sleep? What if stillness is a place of anxiety, discomfort, and fear? Or a venue for painful or unwanted memories and thoughts to surface?
Trauma in all its forms: acute, complex, old, and new, can make stillness unbearable.
Constantly staying busy is a trauma response and avoiding stillness is a coping mechanism.
The self-care soundbites guiding us to slow down and rest (which you’ll hear me use often) can be unhelpful for a person whose stress response is activated when they sit or lay quietly without distraction.
As an advocate for sleep, it’s important for me to acknowledge that lots of folks have real, painful barriers to resting. This needs to be part of our conversation.
I should add too, there may not even be an identifiable source of trauma that has made slowing down so challenging. Our culture is steeped in messages which inhabit our minds and bodies:
being still = unproductive
= of no value.
How uncomfortable is that?
If this is your experience in any way, know that you are not alone and it is not your fault. And, getting more comfortable in stillness and in your body is a manageable process, with the right support. It even holds the possibility of becoming your portal to a deep sense of ease and rooted-ness.
What does this have to do with sleep?
When stillness is uncomfortable, we develop different strategies to fall asleep:
Soothing with TVs, phones, or other devices to distract until we fall asleep out of exhaustion.
Staying busy all day and evening until exhaustion finally takes us down.
Using substances / medications to fall asleep.
Sleeping in places other than bed to trick ourselves to into sleep (when the bed holds negative associations).
Folks who use these coping strategies to sleep often describe themselves as being in a constant state of ‘tired-but-wired’. Falling asleep and staying asleep becomes more challenging as the nervous system becomes dysregulated, and so we lean more on the coping strategies.
These strategies work for a time (to help us survive!) but eventually erode the quality of our sleep, deepening other symptoms.
“Anything that is wrong with you began as a survival mechanism in childhood.”
- Gabor MatE
Going to the body and re-building safety here takes time and practice. I’ve witnessed many brave folks do it over the years as part of their sleep healing journey. When embodiment feels safe again, surrendering into sleep and staying asleep becomes less complicated.
I am not an expert on trauma, but I do work with folks when trauma is part of the sleep puzzle, so long as they are getting support in this area. I continue to study, learn, and broaden my connections and resources in this area as well as build my own body practice through meditation, yoga, yoga-nidra, dance, and focusing-oriented psychotherapy.
BOOKS ON TRAUMA AND THE BODY
The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel Vander Kolk
The Courage to Rise – Liz Arch
Healing Trauma – Peter Levine
In an Unspoken Voice – Peter Levine
When the Body Says No – Gabor Mate
My Grandmother’s Hands - Resmaa Menakem
Practitioners (somatic – focused)
https://www.anniebray.com (individual and group somatic support).
https://www.focusingtherapy.org/
Please note that this is far from a complete list of resources and there are many pathways for healing trauma as it impacts sleep.
In sleep-loving solidarity,
Sleep Things I’m Exploring
I recently wrapped a month-long course with a group of doctors as part of an initiative (The Understory) supporting women doctors suffering from covid burnout. It felt really good to be able to offer this support to these women right now - and I also learned a lot. Organizers curated beautiful boxes of sleep goodies from Hygge Canada. I got a chance to check out a bunch of new goodies!
Among the top picks were:
The Nite Hood
If you know me, you know I don’t go anywhere without mine. I was happy to get the new version of The Nite Hood so I could give my old one to my husband! In my opinion, it’s better than any mask, becuase it stays on, and it’s made in Canada - bonus. It’s made from a soft, locally knit bamboo fabric that uses opacity and stretch to make a cozy dark space for sleeping. The Nite Hood is worn to completely cover the head, covering the eyes and ears, offering a gentle embrace, inducing you to relax and nod off. https://www.nitehood.com/
Elle Studio Lavender Bergamot Spray
This heavenly scent can be used as a body or room spray. Elle Studio is a small woman owned business in Steinbach, Manitoba. A portion of each purchase supports the Alzheimer’s society. https://www.ellestudio.ca/
New Moon Knock Me Out Tea
This lovely soothing tea containing Valerian root, lemon balm and lavender is perfect as part of a nightly wind-down ritual. The New Moon Tea Company is a woman created and run company based in Nakusp BC. Christine, the creator, believes in sourcing 100% organic, local where possible, and always fair trade high quality herbs. https://newmoonteaco.ca/