Why I'm not a fan of sleep “training”
The word ‘training’ is limited, and isolating. It brings to mind separation not unity.
Upon reading The Truth about Infant Self-Soothing, I was almost brought to tears myself (tears of happiness). This is the essence of Supportive Sleep Coaching – this is why I don’t talk about sleep ‘training’ – and this why I love the complex and rewarding work I do with families around sleep.
When developmentally appropriate, supporting a baby around sleep learning requires insurmountable patience and loving presence on a parent’s end. It requires listening to a baby, reading his sleepy cues, understanding the foundational aspects of infant sleep and how a baby’s temperament and developmental stage impact his sleep learning. It requires a dance between both parent and child, and it is not about simply leaving a baby to cry-it-out alone.
Most brilliantly, this article re-frames self-soothing as something natural and empowering, versus scary and tied-up in neglect. When we listen to our child or baby’s tears with attention and calm, versus trying to pacify her at all costs, we are not ignoring her (assuming she doesn’t have an immediate need). In these moments we can support a baby’s emotional health and allow for growth and change at the same time.
After reading The Truth about Infant Self-Soothing I began noticing how my daughter’s occasional frustration and tears could very quickly spike my anxiety. Her daycare providers had asked me why I always dropped her off with a pacifier in her mouth. “Because she needs one in the stroller, car and to sleep”, I told them. “But she hasn’t used a pacifier here for over 2 months, even to sleep”, they told me. The pacifier was not for her, it was more about the instant relief it brought my ears and nervous system when I stuck it in her mouth. Interestingly, she only ‘needed’ it with us. So we ditched it, at 2 years of age.
When the opportunity is right, being ‘with’ and listening ‘to’ my child, versus trying to fix the upset instantly, has proven to be a rewarding challenge I stick with even now that my child is school aged. I’m reminded that some of the first times we get to practice this with our babies, are in these early months as sleep learning is unfolding.